7. You shouldn’t have to convince people that you are worth
spending time with.
I have a long and persistent habit of collecting complicated
people in my life. I seem to be attracted to the challenge of befriending the crotchety
and the difficult, I get great satisfaction out of trying to crack the code of mixed messages sent by distant, enigmatic, wounded souls, and my ego gets off on
making it into the inner circle of those who generally don’t let people in. The
problem with complicated people, however, is that they sometimes make me feel like
I have to work really really hard to maintain my status as posse member, and
that admittedly kinda sucks. Though sometimes exhilarating and often
interesting, it’s also exhausting to constantly wonder if I am still witty
enough, intriguing enough, attentive enough to keep my spot in the coveted
inner sanctum of their social sphere.
(I should probably clarify that by "complicated", I don't really mean complex, multi-layered, or even possessing the baggage that comes with a difficult past. I'm more talking about those who create a lot of rules and regulations for the people in their lives, those who are incredibly quick to pass judgment. I will admit, as well, that sometimes, not giving up on someone, and continuing to patiently wait until they've softened and are ready to let me in, can result in a rewarding friendship. The "work", then, is often only initially. In these cases, often once you're in, you're in for good. Still, I wonder if, in spite of some of these relationships being rewarding, they're actually ever fair or equal. Maybe that doesn't really even matter. I suppose, it's more the tendencies towards continual judgment and evaluation of others, and the constant act of letting in but then pulling back that I am talking about, then, in terms of what qualifies someone as "complicated".)
Anyways...
(I should probably clarify that by "complicated", I don't really mean complex, multi-layered, or even possessing the baggage that comes with a difficult past. I'm more talking about those who create a lot of rules and regulations for the people in their lives, those who are incredibly quick to pass judgment. I will admit, as well, that sometimes, not giving up on someone, and continuing to patiently wait until they've softened and are ready to let me in, can result in a rewarding friendship. The "work", then, is often only initially. In these cases, often once you're in, you're in for good. Still, I wonder if, in spite of some of these relationships being rewarding, they're actually ever fair or equal. Maybe that doesn't really even matter. I suppose, it's more the tendencies towards continual judgment and evaluation of others, and the constant act of letting in but then pulling back that I am talking about, then, in terms of what qualifies someone as "complicated".)
Anyways...
I also have a long-standing habit of turning to Jane Austen
in my times of need and desperation. If I am having a day when I feel
uninspired, when my faith in the possibility of true love is hanging by a thin
little thread, I know I can count on Ms. Austen to make things right. As this
is quite a regular practice, I am always on the look-out for new interpretations
of her beloved stories. (My favourite Austen interpretation, just in case you
were wondering, is the 2009 BBC version of Emma.
It is simply fantastic.) Well, a few months back, while searching Youtube for
some new Austen goodness, I stumbled upon this fairly recently released British
series about a modern girl in London who finds herself transported back to the
setting of Austen’s Pride and Prejudice
and becomes all twisted up with the characters and the plot. It was truly
horrible and I couldn’t finish it. Not only was the premise ridiculous (the
bathroom of the protagonist’s tiny Hammersmith apartment served as the portal
to the Bennett’s home), but the acting was just plain bad, and the girl’s
obsession with the classically complicated Mr. Darcy irritated me. It was
beyond pathetic.
And then, I found myself all of a sudden struck by an odd
but surprisingly important realization. I knew that given my attraction to
complicated people, if- by some crazy twist of fact and fiction and a glitch in
the time-space continuum- I actually had the opportunity to pursue one of
Austen’s men, rather than choose the good and kind Edmund Bertram, or the
honorable Colonel Brandon, or even the good-natured Mr. Bingley, I would quite
likely, almost predictably, go after the aloof and antisocial Mr. Darcy. I would
want to figure him out, get in there and understand why he felt he couldn’t
trust people, why he was so reluctant to let loose and join in a little
lighthearted community ball banter. I would probably do some good research and
ask around to get his full backstory. I’d find out what he was interested in
and try then to achieve that elusive balance between intriguing him with my surprising
knowledge of duck hunting and art collecting, attracting him with my unique
combination of feisty independence and tender heart, and finally encouraging
him to untuck his shirt a little and shimmy it up on the dance floor.
Seriously? Pathetic.
And then me and the Darcy on the screen had ourselves a
little moment. My eyes got big and I screamed at the stupid movie I insisted on
watching. “Darcy,” I shouted, “you obnoxious, arrogant asshole! You and your
‘opinion once lost’ can go f*ck yourself.” And then I turned to Elizabeth
Bennett and I told her, “Lizzie, you deserve better. You should not have to
work this hard and wait this long for him to realize you are the gem of
Hertfordshire. You deserve better.”
And that settled that. I had this monumental epiphany that I
shouldn’t have to convince somebody that I am worth hanging out with. I
shouldn’t have to prove to someone that I am good enough for them to make room
for me in their lives, and I shouldn’t ever have to feel like I am continually
being evaluated and critiqued to determine if I am deserving of my
friend/lover/girlfriend status. There are enough people in my life who think I
am awesome, even in those moments when I am all gnarly and tired and cranky and
indecisive, and if I already have such wonderful people in my life who love me
“as is,” no matter what, then why on earth would I bother with the ones who
need convincing? Seriously!
8. If you’re surrounded by awesome people, you are quite likely
pretty awesome yourself.
What’s that saying about being able to judge a man’s
character by the company he keeps? Like attracts like. Look around you, at your
dearest, truest friends. Are they good people who you admire and respect?
They’re friends with you for a reason, you know. If you think they’re
fantastic, they probably think you’re fantastic too. And sometimes, that’s kind
of cool to remember. (insert smiley face here)
-----------------------------
I could go on and on and on some more about the lessons
learned from 2013, or at least conform to the customary top ten list format-
stopping at #8, after all, feels a bit unfinished- but it’s January 2nd
over here and time to move on to contemplating all the exciting possibility of
the year ahead. I am looking forward to the lessons I will certainly learn from
the challenges, relationships, adventures and opportunities of this next spin
around the sun.
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