So, these summery nights, spent sipping white wine and cold
beer on a patio with an evergrowing cluster of friends, seem to lend themselves
to intimate and important conversations. The warm air melts away inhibitions,
hours of slow but steady sipping create comfort, and all this togetherness
builds trust, which means that several times during these last few weeks of
summery goodness, I’ve found myself engaged in conversations that have brought
up issues and questions and insights that continue to hang in my headspace long
after we have all headed to our respective homes. These recurring ideas floating
around up there have sometimes made me reevaluate my opinions, other times have
helped me solidify my opinions, and always have allowed me to appreciate the opinions
of friends- ideas that have been shaped by varying cultures, values, age and
experience.
It is currently sexy summertime, when love and lust abound,
and everyone seems to be a little bit bolder in their pursuits, perhaps because
of a general awareness that summer flings are often as fleeting as the months
that host them, or perhaps because the freedom provided by all this tipsy
togetherness lifts off some of the fear that otherwise stifles our
decision-making about life and love. This means that much of our conversation
has surrounded the topics of love and romance and sex and dating and relationships,
and the different ways in which men and women approach and interpret these.
Through all this talking, I’ve found myself coming back
repeatedly to one idea in particular, and it is this: I am tired of the bullshit.
Let me explain.
As many of you know, I am relatively new to all this dating
business. I am not, though, new to developing and maintaining relationships, to
connecting with people, to having a keen interest in what motivates behaviour.
And I’ll tell you what I think motivates most of us single folk who are kinda
sorta in search of someone to love or just someone to enjoy: fear. And it’s
bullshit.
If you are in your thirties (and beyond) and single, chances are that you
have been deeply heartbroken at least once in your life, and chances are that
through your thirty something years of struggle, growth and relationships of
the romantic, familial or professional variety, you have probably amassed a little
bit of baggage. It’s inevitable.
And so, according to my observations, what seems to happen
is that a 30 something boy meets a 30 something girl, (or a girl meets a girl,
or a boy meets a boy) and there is unmistakable chemistry, a good little click,
intrigue, interest. They like each other, but….
The what ifs and
the yeah buts and the I don’t knows and the not yets quickly sneak in and stink up
the natural unfolding process of two people getting to know each other, so we
end up with this complicated, exhausting (and in my opinion, completely
unnecessary) dance of pretense and feigned apathy. Self-protection pushes;
intrigue and attraction pulls; with all sorts of swirls and dips and attempts
to impress, everyone trying to oh so nonchalantly express interest while still
coming off calm, cool and collected.
Like, not really sure
what I want, only if you want to, I don’t really care, whatever.
We’re such a bunch of little scaredy cats.
I mean, what are you afraid of?
Are you afraid of being too enthusiastic because you might
be perceived as “desperate”? Is it possible that enthusiasm just might indicate
a grown-up sense of self-awareness that allows you to recognize something good
when you see it?
Are you afraid of your freedom being stolen, of compromise
and expectation and obligation being forced on you? Come on. You must know by
now from the good people already in your life that a healthy relationship (of
any variety) with clear expectations and balanced give & take can create an enviable safeness and comfort that promotes
freedom in its fullest form.
Are you afraid of being your true self and getting rejected,
so instead you try your best to hide all your little quirks and weaknesses?
Honey, your true self is going to be revealed sooner or later. You might as
well just get it over with and get your real self out there. And if this cute
little someone doesn’t appreciate your real self, they probably don’t deserve
you.
Are you afraid of once again finding yourself in a situation
where you give more than you receive? Grow a back bone, trust your intuition,
set boundaries, and practice using them.
Are you afraid of being trapped in something you’re not
ready for, of starting something you don’t know you can finish? Nobody’s going
to ask you to sign a marriage contract at your first date of coffee and
cigarettes. Chill, my dear. But, can I just say, that no great thing can start
with your fatalistic view of the end already in sight. No awesomeness can
blossom if you start something- whatever it is- with the brakes engaged.
The biggest one, I think, the fear that underlies all the
others, is the desperate desire to avoid heartache, the fear of investing into
someone…again, and then being hurt…again, betrayed again, taken advantage of, rejected,
heartbroken.
I know fear well, in many of its little shades and nuances. Fear
has long been my default emotion. In my ongoing personal project,
affectionately termed Operation F*ck Fear,
I try to daily deliberately reject fear, and this frequently involves giving
myself little talk-downs, which generally consists of imagining the worst case
scenario and then determining if I can handle that worst case scenario.
So let’s take a minute and do that here.
Realistically, what is the worst case scenario of making room
for someone in your life, of letting them in, of investing time and energy and
attention into getting to know them? As far as I can tell, the most plausible
worst case scenario involves boredom, disappointment, betrayal, rejection,
humiliation, and/or heartache, a whole host of unpleasant emotions that hurt
like a bitch and take time to heal. But seriously, you can handle it. Really.
If you have a little wisdom gained through experience, some self-awareness, a
good support network, a solid intuition, a little intelligence, then you, my
friend, and your hard-working heart, are strong and resilient.
What’s the best case scenario? You gain a friend, a lover,
potentially even a partner. You meet new people, and get exposed to new
adventures and experiences. You learn about yourself and the world. You have
fun, and share wine and food and laughter and pleasure.
In my opinion, the possibility of the best case scenario
makes risking the worst case scenario totally worth it! It’s all about the
hope, excitement, and delicious anticipation of possibility, possibility that is
sparked in the full-on appreciation of, and surrender to, the Now.
So here’s what I think: let’s cut through the bullshit, let’s
lay off the brakes, lift off pretense, loosen up, let go and let someone in,
dammit. Stop acting in fear, a fear often guised in noncommittal apathy or
rejection of possibility. And instead, let’s agree to approach each other with
integrity, honesty and grace. Let’s be straight up, put the cards on the table,
tell our stories. Save everyone the time and mental energy required to make
sense of mixed signals and to read between the lines. I’ll tell you my issues
and patterns and baggage, and make my interest and intention clear. You decide if
you can handle it. You tell me yours; I’ll do the same. And then, let’s just
give it a go and see what happens. Let's just agree to be open to possibility.
I am not suggesting you confess your porn addiction on the
first date, introduce your bedroom alter-ego on the second, or suggest names for your someday babies on the third, but we all need to recognize that there is an immense
strength in vulnerability, a quiet confidence that comes from having enough humility
and self-awareness to shamelessly share your story. Be your whole true real
self. Because if and when whatever it is you’re allowing yourself to be open to
eventually ends, you will at least know you were all you could be in that moment, and you did all
you could do.
Love and fear don’t go together. If you want the former (in
any of its many shapes, sizes and intensities), you absolutely need to
reject the latter.
Just sayin’.
To finish things off, let me leave you with this little video. The song is one of my favourites. The movie too. Both have the same message: it's time, my dear, to choose love over fear.
