HipHipHooray for ManFreeMay

A friend and I have decided to make this month ManFreeMay. What this means, essentially, is that, for the entire month of May, we will refrain from any interactions with men that are of a romantic or sexual nature. So, let me just spell that out for you: no coffee dates or dinner dates, no kissing in dark corners, no…ahem…funny business, no intentional flirting, no handing out of phone numbers, no lustful, late night texts or phone calls or email messages, no expression of interest or response to expressions of interest.

I have decided to take it up a notch to also include resisting the instinctual urge to do the automatic scan when I enter a room. Usually, I walk in, and as I stroll on over to my friends, I- like a veteran CIA agent- use my peripheral vision, perked up senses, and keen intuition to scope out any and all possibility in the room, thereby spotting the impeccably dressed 6’4” gentleman in the corner, the cute-without-knowing-it grad student sitting at the bar reading while he waits for his friends, and the gregarious attention-seeker in the middle of the room making all his buddies laugh. I am doing my best to just walk in with all my focus and energy zoned in on the good people I am actually there to see. I am doing my best, as well, to resist sending out any availability vibes, by not walking and talking and laughing and standing in a way that reflects that I am looking to be noticed. I’m trying to shake off all the behaviour that demonstrates an acute awareness of my singleness.

Now, some might wonder why two relatively recently single women freshly dumped into the dating world would so quickly need a time-out. My decision is certainly somewhat about self-discipline and refining the selection process. I think that when I first ventured into single life, I was kind of like a dog freshly released from its cage, who, in a fit of excitement over its newly granted freedom, insists on smelling every butt it passes, jumping on every human it encounters, peeing on every tree it sees. This is perhaps a somewhat vulgar analogy, but it is a fitting one. In the beginning, I was desperate to simply validate my femininity, to assert my sexuality, to receive some kind of male affirmation that I wasn’t a used up, withered pile of leftovers & damaged goods. And I needed practice with all the completely unfamiliar aspects of adult single life, since the last time I had been without some kind of partner was when I was 18 years old. In my grown-up adult life, I had never given my phone number to a guy before, or had a stranger buy me a drink. I’d never even gone out on an official date! So I needed practicepracticepractice, and each time I “practiced,” I felt incredibly empowered.

At first, I will admit that I wasn’t too terribly selective. I figured I just needed to finally get out there, and it didn’t really matter who I went on a date with, as long as I went on a date, as long as I finally started taking steps towards overcoming my bone-trembling trepidation of putting myself out there, all vulnerable and available, even in the face of possible rejection and disappointment and heartache. In fact, for the first few dates I went on, I intentionally chose men who I had only the teensiest bit of interest in, so that I would be less nervous and less likely to be impacted by their perception of me. Looking back, that was perhaps a bit unfair to those poor, unsuspecting gentlemen, but- hey- I had to start somewhere.

The main motivation, however, for my ManFreeMay is this: I want to reclaim my headspace. For far far far too long, I have too quickly invited boys into my head and my heart, allowing them to shape my sense of self, giving their opinions and perceptions and judgments and needs and desires way too much weight. If I am to be completely honest, I’d have to say that this isn’t an issue solely connected to me and men. I am far too easily impacted by the opinions of others in general, far too concerned with their perceptions of me (especially in recent years, when my sense of self has been more than a little bruised and battered); but all of this is intensified in the dating world, and even more so given my chemical make-up and my complicated history. Rejection stings more acutely at the hands of a man, especially at the hands of a cute one with perfect teeth and a warm laugh who I wouldn’t mind getting to know better; the desire to be desired is so much more intense; and the confusing, complicated unpacking of multi-layered, mixed messages consumes so much time and energy, that it is just enough to drive a girl crazy. All that thinking, wondering, dreaming, wishing, regretting, what iffing, and trying so so so hard to be what he or he or he or he wants….well, it is simply exhausting!

And that’s my motivation.

I want to evict the boys from my headspace who casually waltz in or who insist on wrongfully claiming squatter status. I want to cleanse my head and heart from the opinions and messages of those who, quite honestly, don’t know me enough or love me enough or respect me enough or appreciate me enough to entitle them to even the tiniest sliver of space in my head and my heart and my life. I want to replace the void left by their eviction with ideas that are life-giving and soul-feeding and spirit-nurturing. Instead of focusing my energy and time and attention on wondering if he’s going to call me or why he didn’t call me or if he really meant what he said or if he is telling the truth or if he really likes me or why he likes her more, I want to invest all of that energy and time and attention into building up a stronger, happier, healthier me, a me that is so unwavering in sureness of self and so full up of goodness that there simply isn’t any space left to host silly wonderings about silly men.

And to that I say hip hip hooray for ManFreeMay.